i.slept.with.chinua

i sleep next to a window - slightly above berber
listening to chinua achebe snore in my ear
staring at the moon wishing to teach the world of yemaja
make public her many pregnancies but no hospital visits 
there will be no more levees to break
or waters to drink
i've lost my imagination in one of the cold months
and i'm losing myself next to this window
and chinua achebe only seems to get louder and louder

-me

after.we.fucked

she hadn't quite learned everything.

after we fucked - then showered - then faked a few kisses she handed me my shirt and asked if i'd ever return.
i sat back down and we watched frasier.
she was used to niggas who'd flush and go - then become infrequent messages in her inbox and a dick picture in her picture mail.

so when i needed to talk - i'd call
and each picture she had of me had been admired by her mother
"he's handsome" she said

so we stopped fucking for a while so she could learn.
i told her love was a misunderstanding between two fools.
and as long as i didn't give her a reason to love me - she shouldn't.

we became fools who strolled by monuments
and planted sunflower seeds at the bottom of rabbit holes

and i told her:
i do not love you because of who you are -now- to me
or what i believe you may become.

i love you because when i call you - you answer.

i worried a little

well how does one begin to explain what you may consider a 'fuck up'?

like this:
the tip of my tongue was stabbing her clit as though it has broken into my mouth to steal my tonsils. 
i mean, this shit was violent. her body jerking with every tongue thrust, head adjustment, and tickle my middle finger.
i prefer the middle finge because it's the longest.

just five minutes prior to this act of...um...romance, my head was on her shoulder while she explained her reasons for thinking darrius and nina should have never gotten back together. 
i didn't give a shit about neither of them.
after a few sighs, laughs and squeezes of the titties, i unbuttoned her skinny jeans with my lips and teeth.
i created a heated sensation on the already moist panties. right where the pussy was waiting for me.

in a blur of motion, the panties lay on my floor next to my new air force ones with the argyle shoosh. custom made.
i made eye connection with the pink abyss and went in for the kill.

i digress.

while my head was on her shoulder she asked 'what do you get out of eating my pussy?'

without a breath, hesitation or even a blink i answered 'the hardest dick you've ever seen.'

'oh.'

back to me stabbing:

i was right. my dick was throbbing.
the under-vein made it kinda resemble my arm, minus the elbow.
if i were her, and seen my dick, i'd go crazy.

side note: i'm probably the only man who loves his dick like this. i can go on for hours describing the beauty of it.

my teeth bit down softly on the growing clitoris and my lips had fully taken in hers.
she was gone.
somewhere between me attempting to swallow her uterus and her delivering a sermon on her back with her face in the pillow, she had released the sweetest lip-licking nectar.

and immediately after that my dick went numb, but still erect as though it were preparing to break through iron.

'i...want...you...in me now!'

white lights, shoulder shaking and toe curling is what followed.

my down stroke was to a non existent beat.

her spot and my spot somehow became the same spot, as we both yelled 'right there' at the same time.
i was afraid to move from 'right there,' so i didn't.

cross-eyed and stuck-faced, we both yelled for whatever god appeared in the room at that moment.
and she cried, her nails in my back making me want to say 'i love you forever,' but settling for 'i'm done.'

i managed to snap a photo while she bent over to put on her panties.

looking at myself in the bathroom mirror i remembered the condom i had brought through. ribbed for her pleasure. and mine.

it's cool. this was going to happen eventually.
i searched her medicine cabinet for birth control bottles, pills, pill residue.

nothing.

so last night i worried a little afterwards.

she.walked.by

her sneakers were sort of worn on the bottoms.

she carry around an old soul. 
she smelled like my grandma's sheets.
not the grandma i liked most - but the other one.
the one who wore too much charlie red perfume even when she went to her factory job.

but i love her anyway - i think.
this girl - not my grandma. of course i loved my grandma.

i'm kind of shy and she could tell 
so all that came from my mouth was 'so they make them like you in LA?'
that wasn't much of a shy line, i guess.

after she laughed at the corniness i realized there was so much more i wanted to say.

i want to break out into 'darling nikki' songs by prince in the middle of hollywood boulevard.
i want to call her names just to make sure she never takes me to serious.
i want her to hate it when the ignorant throw money in the air in the club.
"why make it rain when the world needs sun," is what i'd want her to say.

i want her to be a basketball fan so i can lie about liking the sport then call out the wrong name. i'd say something stupid like "go lebron" when it's probably really derek fisher.

wait.
derek fisher does still play basketball right?

i want to use pick up lines on the third date just because i know they wouldn't have worked in the beginning.
i'd say:

'i'm trying to figure out how to put you on my roster - you will never know the comfort of the bench - i will always need you in the game'

and after she rolls her eyes - and giggles
she'll say 

'all you have to do is ask'

now she up in my spot
telling me the things i'm telling her is making her hot
and we're vibing to the roots

being comfortable on this planet we've flown our matching spaceships to.
not equipped with rearview mirrors.

and she runs her fingers along the dried paints on the canvas above my headboard that i long ago forgot existed - and she swallows - and asks: why does she look like me - with green eyes?
and i tell her the truth

i don't know
i think maybe i've dreamed of you before
jealous of the one who posed for this portrait

and now all i want to do is call my ex and say:
now i know why it looks nothing like you.
you wanted to own the universe.
i was content with a couple of planets and a red sunset tattooed on our inner eyelids.